I spend a lot of time thinking about my own well being. I spend all of my time in my being and find it difficult to shift my focus anywhere else. Lately I've been dwelling somewhere substandard, subterranean possibly, where malaise is the norm and ennui is a casual friend. The other day I passed a math test. It was an easy test of the basic math skills, but I had been worried. In passing I established myself as a competent adult who can take for-credit college pre-algebra. This is much better than any of the many not-for-credit math classes that they offer. This minor, un-momentous success was enough to boost me up from my underground ponderings into a very good day. A very good day, indeed. That lasted until Friday. Then I worked all weekend and started thinking, again, about my well being and how telling it is that one small math test which I barely passed was able to make my life significantly better. Conversely, closing all weekend long has the ability to not.
My parents are moving on Wednesday. This is incredibly strange. We've lived in Texas for 13 years now, the longest we've ever been anywhere, and I think I had begun to be used to it. I am looking forward to three weeks in the Pacific Northwest this summer, but I am unsure how I feel about saying goodbye. Many and multiple goodbye's. It is throwing an all together new light on my life here in Waco.
Today I am spending eight hours with the these kids. Then I have an hour off and three and a half hours at Starbucks. Days like today make me wonder. Oh Lord. Today is going to kill me. These kids. An hour of math. An hour of reading. Thirty minutes of piano. Thirty minutes of trumpet for him. Thirty minutes of flute for her (split into ten minute increments). Tennis for him at 4:30. Swimming for her at 5. Gracious.
Also, season 3 of Battlestar awaits me at home and that is all I want to be doing with my life.
2 comments:
why is it that contentment sometimes seems so far out of our grasp? i am always of two minds about this (as with most things, because i have this ridiculously ambivalent nature). one says that i feel discontent because i am not willing to be content with what lies before me, with what i've chosen, with what the world has to offer me, with what God has given me. the other part says that i feel discontentment for a reason even if it's unclear. that there really is something missing. that i cannot accept this life just as is because there is always something to be striving for. so i flipswitch between these two which i assume must be my middle ground. either that or i'm deluding myself. or maybe i'm not? oy the double-mindedness of me.
much love sister, we are all in the boat together.
you said ennui. do you need me to send you some off-ui? ha ha.
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