Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

There isn't any true and simple way to explain the state that I am in these days. It is a heavy place; a folded in, tucked under place that is hard to come out of. I have been compiling a soundtrack to this time in my head. It goes like this:

Homesick by Kings of Convenience.

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices
Blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I've found.
Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear.
I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me,
Would wither in the light of my plan.
So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter,
On a chance that on a tape I'd find...
A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.
Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is.

And,

Your New Twin Sized Bed by Death Cab For Cutie

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.
And I hope you have more luck with this than me.
You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?
Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.
And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like your some kind of hurry to say goodbye.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

I'm sure there will be more, but for now, read into that as you will.

I am making changes in my life because I must. Because I dislike what I see and do not wish to be what I dislike. I've grown up with a picture of my future self residing in my fantastic plans. I'm sure you have too. It's like I am living inside a choose-your-own-adventure and I haven't come out where I thought I would. It isn't quite the, "You turn left, running into a dead-end alley. The Egyptian jewel thieves catch you. You die.", but it also isn't, "You go on and, at the next turning, run into the arms of your uncle Charles. He is dangling from a ladder attached to a helicopter. He grabs your arm, hands you the magic crystal, and signals the pilot. You fly off to safety." It's more like, you decide to call your mom and have her wire you the money to go home. You do, she does, you arrive safely and go back to working at starbucks.

In a choose-your-own-adventure you can always go back and make a different choice. That is deceptive.

2 comments:

Davie said...

That Death Cab song left scars on my body last year. I've had to leave it behind and try my best to cover those wounds with fancy lotions from the Dead Sea. I am proposing that you come live with me for a while. I will help you with math, you will help me with becoming more interesting, wiser, and a better thinker (clearly this is more advantageous to me - sorry), and we will both help each other with coping. I always cheated with Choose Your Own Adventure books, kept my finger in the page, just in case I made the wrong choice. In retrospect, I feel pretty good about that.

Sharon said...

I think you could reach some status of fame through your blog...that said, I think you should update more.