Monday, November 16, 2009

Thats the way we get by, oh, way

I am highly medicated. I also feel like I have maxed out on my freak out allowance. Poor Drew. The dear. I have been a little shamed by my ridiculousness; my unexpected tears and completely unfounded dire predictions. I am not usually like this.

However, when mentioned to Noah on the phone he said, "Really, Ellie? That is who you are." So I am thinking that my hard-worked for stoic facade is a total wash. They all know me, apparently. It is I who am being fooled.

We went to the book fair this weekend and I bought both Bridgette Jones books for a dollar. I have been reading this book, fairly compulsively, and find that I like it for all the reasons that I like the movies, and dislike to for all the reasons I dislike the movies. I am starting to think that Helen Fielding hates women. Or wants other people to hate women. There is this incredibly likable honesty to these books. Bridgette is ridiculous, but not bad. She is a mess, but only in her head, in her own home, and sometimes in her choices. However there is this horrific focus on Bridgette's weight. I know we do this, but at no point in this book is she over 132 lbs. In a chapter I just read, Bridge hits 119 and declares, "I am thin." This makes me crazy. I realize that this is a farce of some kind, a satire directed towards women, but it is just too too stupid and unbelievable.

I was reading and listening to music and The Innocence Missions "Lakes of Canada" came on and I was totally overwhelmed by the impulse to toss the book from me. You can't read common nonsense and listen to something wonderfully good.

I am often scheduled to close on Sunday nights and open on Monday mornings. The schedule maker at work doesn't catch slip ups between weeks like that and my boss doesn't catch them very often either. My availability somehow lends itself to this as well. During the week I can only work Monday and Wednesday mornings, which means, come Monday morning at five am you will find me making peoples coffee. And because I can work whenever all weekend, I get a lot of the crappier shifts, like closing every night. Last night I had the option of five hours of sleep but, due to fitfulness and itchiness which my paranoia tells me is directly related to random combinations of prescriptions, I slept about two and a half. After work today I headed home to take a nap, in an attempt to survive this day. I slept from 1:15 to about 5:15, which is great since I had a class at 2:30. Awesome.

I've been struggling a bit these last couple days. Both superiorly irritated by everyone/everything, and completely unable to motivate myself to actually get out of bed and do anything. It feels, actually, now that I think about it, like a real depression. There is nothing actually wrong, I just can't seem to see the point in getting out of bed at all, ever. And by ever I mean all the time, not just when I am actually in a position to get up. It seems to be every day/all day, any breathing time leads to this sinking, a staring into space that is crippling.

So that is where I am these days. Fine. Medicated. Generally feeling better. Struggling a little with whatever it is that I am struggling with.

1 comment:

Kim said...

#1 i feel the need to remind you (but don't count me a doctor or doctor type and i'm totally not trying to dismiss your supposed paranoia with a scientific explanation) that thyroid conditions cause depression-like symptoms such as fatigue and listlessness. however, that being said, you are by all rights welcome a bit of depression. we are in that quarter life crisis time thing (again, not a dismissal, just a recognition of facts) which apparently makes us feel that nothing we have accomplished in life or are attempting to accomplish in life is really viable or worthwhile. at least i feel that way. and i traveled half-way across the country to escape those feelings and found that they followed me tenfold. don't read helen fielding. she's a bitch. and jane green is worse, but even more stereotypically nonchalant about the superciliousness and superficiality of the female person. here's what i've been doing, embracing the beauty of empowering female role models and structures. like musicals. i find them gratifying, but also empowering for women (sometimes). for instance, i can't stop listening to the wicked soundtrack. duh. badass witches who do what they want. read some like feminist theology or something that will make you think and make you happy as well. and sleep when you need to sleep and don't feel bad about it. i mean, missing class when you really wanted to be back in a school mode sucks, but it is what it is. oh and listen to more spoon. and happy beautiful songs. and hang out with a goat. peace and goats, man. i love you. and i will see you in like a week! ps...the word verification thing below says "oilychai." that's weird right?